Sunday, 27 January 2013

Flat Wars. Episode 1

The Towel Assault

Our flat is notorious for being a pretty noisy bunch ... well, me excluded as I'm the narrator, but, my actions are slowly taking a stronger turn. These little battles have been raging pretty much since we all moved in, they started by Will and Price repeatedly throwing Aaron H's bed down the stairs, Aaron H replied in kind by slowly moving parts of their rooms into different areas of the house and watching with a quiet joy, only experienced by a man who has known the great feeling of revenge.

This was a short lived victory for Will and Price decided to up the stakes by literally relocating all of Aaron H's room downstairs and into the small porch type room below, blocking the door with his mattress and subsequently piling up the rest of the bed, cupboard and wardrobe along the stairs.
Thus the war began.

As the narrator I have been granted a very strained lease of 'diplomatic immunity' which I can only presume ended when Will and I hid our various alarm clocks around Price's room set from Midnight to about three o'clock in the morning. 

We had to be up for seven the next day.

My immunity ended in the shape of a shaving foam covered alarm clock hidden carefully right below my bed, directly under my pillow. Poetic justice came for me in the form of a horrendous beeping ball of blue foam, that my sleep ridden mind struggled to decipher. Until I tried to pick it up that is.

These battles often start in the smallest ways, with suspicious glances, shady footsteps, then quick rush up the stairs towards the rooms followed by a whole lot of shouting.

Today's incident followed the exact same recipe.

Price made a few careful steps towards the stairs before bounding up them at full speed, followed by Will in hot pursuit, backed into his room, Will slammed Prices door shut turning off the light and shrouding him in darkness. I followed by spraying the better part of my can of cheap deodorant through his keyhole and under the small gap below the door.

Price responded the only way he could, ripping the door open, he unleashed a painful barrage of stinging hits with his towel. Will retreated under the cover of confusion to his own room where he armed himself with a Football shin pad, but realizing the towel had far greater reach, opted for one as well.

The whole conflict was over in a matter of minutes leaving both Will and Price in a pretty bad shape. Will got a beautiful overhand shot right at Price's crotch leaving him immobile for a couple of seconds, to counter this, Price grabbed a second towel and started, what I can only describe as, 'Windmilling' them while slowly advancing on Will's room.

The war ended with a handshake and a cup of tea.
Exactly how every conflict should be sorted in my opinion.


No comments:

Post a Comment